Last week I tweeted five reactions after the Browns’ first regular season loss against Miami:
1. Special teams looked pretty good despite a lot of turnover in the offseason, but I would have liked to see Benjamin returning kickoffs and punts instead of Rainey.
2. The defense looked pretty good, even without Barkevious Mingo, and Desmond Bryant looked awesome! Unfortunately, they spent waaaay too much time on the field and couldn’t maintain a high level of play through four exhausting quarters.
3. The offense was predictably awful, but I didn’t think it was really Weeden’s fault. Which led to my next point…
4. Between dropped passes, poor quarterback protection, and the sadness-personified that was Oniel Cousins, Weeden had almost no chance.
5. Drafting Jordan Cameron in my fantasy football league was a great call.
After another loss, this time to the Ravens, here are my updates:
1. Special teams still looked pretty good. And, it was nice that someone out there in the universe heard my point about Benjamin and Rainey. Benjamin did a much better job returning the ball against the Ravens than Rainey did against Miami. Also, let’s be real. Benjamin is a shrimp who will never be an effective wideout in the NFL. But damn, is that man fast!
On a side note… Man, I still miss Phil Dawson. And I don’t care that he plays for the 49ers. He is still my favorite Browns player. Why? Because he is everything a girl wants in a man, um, I mean, football player. He is reliable and loyal, knows how to score, and just gets better with age. So, before I write my next point, I am going to go do what dumped girls do. I am eating a pint of Jeni’s Salty Caramel ice cream and then slipping into a dairy coma where I will dream about Dawson back in orange and brown.
2. Defense still looked good, but this time WITH Barkevious Mingo. And, hey! Wanna make a bunch of Browns fans happy we took a defensive lineman in the first round instead of a quarterback? Put Joe Flacco on his ass! And that’s exactly what happened on Mingo’s first NFL snap. SOLD!
3. Repeat point from Week 1. Oh wait… Are we starting to see a trend? Oh, is offense going to suck this year? Oh, BIIIIIIG surprise. (And this, folks, is where I start to sound like the cynical, cynical Browns fan that I am.)
4. And again, repeat point from Week 1. But this time, substitute Mitchell Schwartz for Oniel Cousins. C’mon man! I don’t have time to play wack-a-mole with the right side of our O-line! (And neither does Norv Turner. Seriously, he seems to be having a hard enough time remembering that Trent Richardson plays for the Browns.) So, can we please block without getting called for holding? Thank you! Sincerely, me and Brandon Weeden’s backside.
Also, it should be noted that Greg Little is the worst. No really. The worst. Like, maybe we need to start off by visualizing the football as a roll of toilet paper, a la Little Giants.
PS–A year or two ago someone told me Devon Sawa died. But in researching the Little Giants for this post, I discovered it wasn’t true. You can’t do that to me people! Do you know how crushed my 12-year old self was when I heard that? I thought I was going to finally have to tear all those Big Bopper posters off my wall at my parents’ house. Not cool. Not cool.
5. And finally, drafting Jordan Cameron in my fantasy football league was still a great call. So nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo to those in my fantasy league who laughed at me for drafting a Browns player. Damn straight! GOOOOOO BROWNIES!